From certain moment in my past until now, I find it that there is nothing free in this world, especially when it comes to happiness. When I was child I used to believe that this world is a happy place created by God, no matter how rotten it was but I think there always be must happiness. What a childish thought, I think now. Now I think there is even nothing called "happiness", or for exactly "free happiness" for me. Happiness don't just come in my way, I had to paid it with something. Just like the live that can paid the dead, only sadness and sorrow able to paid something as beautiful as "happiness". That's why I'm scared of being happiness. I would rather live a plain, boring, constant day than live a happy day but have to paid it another day. I'm scared of being happy. Because once you know a feeling called "happy", experience "sad" is really painful. It tortures me. I'm scared of being happy, because even now I think the debt I had from my previous time in my past still haven't paid enough. If I feel happy now, it would just add another price I have to bear later.
"It's not free, it's not pure," I always tell myself whenever I realized I enjoyed a happy moment. "
You have to pay it later, it never is free." I remind myself.
"God, I beg You, please, if You wanted me to pay this happiness later, just end it now." I prayed for myself.
It is not the sadness and sorrow that pained me, it is the fact that there is no free, pure, real happiness that hurt my heart. There is no happiness, and if I do experience so, just ready to pay it another time. With another greater sadness.
Only death can pay for life.
Only sadness can pay for happiness.